Unease sits in a number of places with me.
It starts with my mind. My sometimes foggy, many times distressed, mind.
It settles in my tummy, knotting it. At its worst, I feel ill from it. My mouth fills with saliva, I want to vomit, I heave.
It rises, stinging my eyes and closing my throat, threatening to come out.
It ends with my hands, as they write.
The cause of it is varied, depending (obviously) on what fucked up thing I’m trying to deal with.
Today it’s hard for me to describe without the unease taking over, and stopping me in my tracks.
Today, my unease sits with my father.
Saying it out loud makes this a real thing I need to deal with. I haven’t spoken with him for weeks, since his marriage ended. Selfishly, I was too scared to call him, knowing I’d be the verbal punching bag, hearing his anger and lies and eventually becoming the reason his marriage failed.
My sibling was stronger than me. He called. The on slaughter of abuse he got makes me feel sick.
I cannot see further than that and all the hurt my dad has caused. I can’t see past his lies and remember that one day, at some point in his life, he must have loved us. Then at some point I think he forgot this.
One of the rules for a healthy mind is not to look into a yet unwritten future as you can’t predict or control it.
But as I try to do this consciously, my worries seep into dreams that wake me with a mournful sorrow that I spend my morning trying to shake.
It haunts the back of mind as I brush my teeth.
I try to rinse it off me as I shower, but the remnant of emotion remains with me.
I try to walk it off and find some peace in counting my steps. Keeping me grounded to just what is in front of me.
Then my mind wanders…
It’s my birthday this week. Will he try to contact me?
It’s my brothers 40th soon. He won’t be there to see the milestone.
If I have children, how will I tell him I’m pregnant or that he has a new grand child.
I know I need to keep myself in the present which I can control. But I can’t control my dreams. And it seems they will still hold the worries that I spend my day forgetting and embed an emotion in me that reminds me that I can’t hide from unfinished thoughts.
I know I have to come to terms with some of this. I know one day I might have to speak to him.
But right now, my train is pulling in and I have to to get to work. I have to start a productive day, pretend I don’t feel this and hope that tonight my mind finds some peace.
Wish me luck.