dreams, family, future, mental health, Uncategorized

The uneasy feelings from my dreams

Unease sits in a number of places with me.

It starts with my mind. My sometimes foggy, many times distressed, mind.

It settles in my tummy, knotting it. At its worst, I feel ill from it. My mouth fills with saliva, I want to vomit, I heave.

It rises, stinging my eyes and closing my throat, threatening to come out.

It ends with my hands, as they write.

Why today?

The cause of it is varied, depending (obviously) on what fucked up thing I’m trying to deal with.

Today it’s hard for me to describe without the unease taking over, and stopping me in my tracks.

Today, my unease sits with my father.

Saying it out loud makes this a real thing I need to deal with. I haven’t spoken with him for weeks, since his marriage ended. Selfishly, I was too scared to call him, knowing I’d be the verbal punching bag, hearing his anger and lies and eventually becoming the reason his marriage failed.

My sibling was stronger than me. He called. The on slaughter of abuse he got makes me feel sick.

I cannot see further than that and all the hurt my dad has caused. I can’t see past his lies and remember that one day, at some point in his life, he must have loved us. Then at some point I think he forgot this.

The future

One of the rules for a healthy mind is not to look into a yet unwritten future as you can’t predict or control it.

But as I try to do this consciously, my worries seep into dreams that wake me with a mournful sorrow that I spend my morning trying to shake.

It haunts the back of mind as I brush my teeth.

I try to rinse it off me as I shower, but the remnant of emotion remains with me.

I try to walk it off and find some peace in counting my steps. Keeping me grounded to just what is in front of me.

Then my mind wanders…

It’s my birthday this week. Will he try to contact me?

It’s my brothers 40th soon. He won’t be there to see the milestone.

If I have children, how will I tell him I’m pregnant or that he has a new grand child.

I know I need to keep myself in the present which I can control. But I can’t control my dreams. And it seems they will still hold the worries that I spend my day forgetting and embed an emotion in me that reminds me that I can’t hide from unfinished thoughts.

I know I have to come to terms with some of this. I know one day I might have to speak to him.

But right now, my train is pulling in and I have to to get to work. I have to start a productive day, pretend I don’t feel this and hope that tonight my mind finds some peace.

Wish me luck.

Mojo&Me xxx

family, support, Uncategorized

Beyond an ivory tower life

Is it comfortable up there, in your ivory tower? The one where you damn the world from and protect your kin.

Is it safe, when you shout to protect your loved ones?

Is it warm from where you selfishly tell me what a messed up family I have, and that your family will not be involved?

Is it blinding? Can you not see that we’re stuck in this not so perfect life, trying to make good from gripping hurt. Can you not, for one moment, see outside your tower towards the pain of others?

I’ve never had an ivory tower. My family may have it’s sharp edges, but we have always looked outwards to people who needed us. This may have been to the detriment of keeping our core unit safe, but that’s how it was.

And now, as my own unit crumbles again, all I hear are the voices from your tower, shunning us away and shouting down damnations coveted as advise.

How dare you pretend to love us.

How dare you say you will be there.

How dare you speak words that contradict your action and never see the pain you are inflicting by doing this.

I’m jealous of your tower. The one where you see the world at a distance, never letting the bad bits touch you.

I’m jealous that within it you have never felt the pain I’ve felt or made the sacrifices we have made. You’ve never had to lift a finger too high without an all consuming help from within your walls, you’ve never had to feel alone. I’m happy for you – but please don’t let this make your cruel to when the world outside cries out in pain, wanting help.

Not everyone is as blessed as you. Please, do good with it.

Mojo&Me xx

creativity, travel, Uncategorized, writing

Travel: the inspiration and tormentor of creativity 

It’s all bubbling away inside me. Ideas. Emotions. Unexpressed in a way that conveys really what I’m feeling.

And in these moments I start to think; I have to write. I have to express. I’m not an artist but this must be what it’s like to need to create – where things come from you unexpectedly, raw, needing finesse but pouring with such depths of truth about where they’re from that they can’t hide any longer.

They are seeping into my mind, wanting release in words. Every ounce of my being is trying to capture and repress them at the same time.

I can’t express right now.

I can’t feel right now.

Right now, I have to be here. Where I am. 

Where am I?

I’m currently on an epic trip across Canada, driving through mountainous terrain that have left me speechless, humbled and amazed at the world. It’s a far cry from the urban surroundings I’m used to, where buildings are the tallest things you see.

I want to soak it up and be in the now. A ‘now’ that I will only have in memories and pictures in two weeks time when it’s over and I’m back in my concrete terrain.

A ‘now’ that mindfulness has taught me to be in and that I love. A ‘now’ that usually calms my mind, roots my body and brings peace to my soul and I soak in the place I’m in.

The changing moments of ‘now’

My ‘now’ is morphing into something else. It’s hunting me down. Chasing me. Moving my mind to words that must come out; to surging emotions that run through me till I can’t be in the place my body exists and escapes to a place in my mind.

I must express. I must write. I must be in another ‘now’. Right now.

So here I am, in some of the words that I couldn’t keep in any longer. The words I saw and heard in my mind have formed a narrative that has taken over my present moment.

And now, I look up and experience something else. The mountains. You’re still there. You’re my next moment.

Thank you for waiting for me to see you. I wish life always did that.

Mojo&Me xx