emotion, fear, happiness, home, mental health, travel, Uncategorized, work

The life I dreamt

Out of no where it hits me. Grief. Sadness. Disappointment. A loss of hope. All for a life we’ve just missed out on. A property that grew on me. A slow growth where I began to imagine things. A life. The next chapter. A home for now and the future. The tangible middle ground that would take us from being the ever adjusting travellers, finding our feet still (more than a year on), to a couple looking forward to and excited for all that is coming.

I know this feeling will pass and even as I type I remember all we have that I am grateful for. We aren’t homeless; we have family we can live with; I have a new job to start soon. Life actually isn’t too bad.

Sure, it’s not moving at a pace that we hoped for. Sure, since coming home I have felt like this is the road less travelled for me, where city life continues as my mind and body exist within it, but really, I’m still playing catch up.

Sure, my sense of self has changed endlessly and I have moments of never really knowing who I am now, what I keep from the past, what I let go of and what I build. Sure, it’s not been smooth. Or easy. Actually, it’s been pretty fucking hard and sometimes down right overwhelming. But hell, it could’ve been worse right?!

More recently…

I have been feeling the tug of the hamster wheel recently – the one I promised myself I would never get on again, the one I would look at from outside the cadge. But recently I have thought:

Wow. We work to pay off a mortgage that we don’t yet have. So we can provide for the children we dream of. Where does the fun fit in? Where does careless, reckless uninhabited happiness fit? Is it in the day to day or do we need to work harder to build it in?

So it’s been a funny road, this one of (non) property ownership. It’s left me feeling many things along the way and yet I can acknowledge, now it’s prematurely-over, that actually I wanted it. A lot. Even when I thought I didn’t.

Hard dreams

The thing about disappointment and sadness is that it can become so consuming that you can’t see what it’s taught you.

I’ve learnt so much about myself; I have pushed boundaries and confronted fears of the future; as a couple we have worked together, envisioning a future that is yet to happen but excited none the less.

Then sometimes, as I have fought my instinct to be short-termist, it had grabbed my throat and chocked me. Reminded me that deep down I’m frightened. And I didn’t always know what of.

Sometimes it’s because I don’t know how we get to all the things we want without becoming blind to the small things that make life great. How do we stop becoming impatient to rush ahead? What happens to appreciating the now? Can these two realms ever co-exist?

And sometimes, when I feel we’re almost there, I then think, what then? Will we be trapped? Is this it?

And now, as the future we were so close to getting slips from our grasp, I remind myself of all I’ve learnt and been through in this microcosm of life.

And it’s this.

It will all be ok, eventually. Dreams sought easily were never the big ones. The ones you fight yourself to achieve are this ones that grow you. Even if you don’t get them right away.

Mojo&Me xx

 

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happiness, home, house

Dreaming about a home

List all the things about your dream home.

Ummm… It’s home. It’s happy.

No, I mean what does I look like.

Ummm… It’s got me and you in it. Maybe a kid. Filled with friends and family from time to time.

Ok. I’m not sure you’re getting this. For instance, I love would love a garden.

Oh. Ok. Ummm. I’m not sure I have a lot to add to this. I’ve never really thought of a home in terms of aspirations. I’ve thought of it as a place of comfort and safety. All I ever wanted in a home when I was a kid.

Oh. I’m not sure where to go from here. I think we need a shared vision of what our home looks like but I don’t really know how to get you there…

My poor husband.

We want to build a life together, but any chat that implies plans longer than a year freaks me out.

Please, don’t misunderstand my reaction. I’m not a commitment phobe to you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to – and have been –  inspired by how you look at life and what it can be. Admittedly, I sometimes get on the ride and know that even if it’s one of those rollercoasters that make my tummy turn, I’ll go on and be safe because I’m with you.

I realise now that this isn’t enough. I want to proactively add to the vision of our life. I want to be the inspirer and the inspired who has a vision of what our life could be.

The weird thing is that I visualise our life during meditation. There is a house. It does have a garden, because we’re in it – happy – with a toddler running to our nieces and the family behind them.

I didn’t really think much beyond that, but when pushed I think I do have some aspirational things I like. These aren’t the things that drive me, but they have started to exist in my mind, the more we talk of what home is made up of.

• Rooms with lots of natural light
• Outdoor space
• A nice power shower, where the water doesn’t go cold
• Stereo sound. Admittedly I didn’t realised I liked this until I started to speak to you about it.
• A tumble dryer. Gosh, how very middle class. Washing is just easier then right?

Maybe there’s more but I’ve not unpicked it.

This list is strange for me though, please remember this.

For me, home will always be where you are, where I am and where happiness lives. If we achieve this then we’ll be living in my dream home. The one we built, not bought.

Mojo&Me xx